Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Weekly Jackass Number Seven - Jim Hightower

Jim Hightower, who describes himself as Americas #1 Populist, has made a career out of rabid opposition to capitalism, knee-jerk support of labor, and quasi-Marxist rhetoric. No for-profit entity can be up to any good in Hightower's world, except, of course, his book publisher. I want to ease Hightower's conscience about making money in the free market, however. Anyone who pays for Hightower's syndicated column or buys any of his books can do their part to destroy his profits by using the following invention, the All-Purpose Jim Hightower Commentary. Please feel free to use and abuse it at your pleasure. The APJHC, as I have named it, accurately reflects Hightower's views on any and all subjects.

Those Disgusting Capitalist Pigs
Well, folks, things are hotter than the last check I wrote at Luby's down in [insert city here]. It seems the greedy bastards at [insert name of company that employees tens of thousands of Americans here] have decided to put profits in front of people once again. Instead of shutting down operations in solidarity with the victims of [insert some unrelated liberal cause or natural disaster here], the vultures at the top have decided to maximize profits for their shareholders by continuing to make and sell their products. Don't look for help from their cronies in the [insert any Republican governor or president here] administration, though - they're happy to screw you over royally if it lines the pockets of their big-wig buddies.
Folks, if this makes you steam like Speedy Gonzales after three pounds of jalapenos, write to [insert the name of some organization dedicated to whatever cause relieves liberal guilt this month]. And give 'em Hell from Hightower!
See, it's just that simple! Think of all the money you might have given to this sagebrush sage for something he banged out in twelve minutes from his cookie-cutter-column factory! Why, you can spend that money on something of value now.

Here are some examples of Hightower's brilliant wit and towering intellect in action from an interview with The Progressive:

"Bush has usurped power faster than a hog eats supper...Bush and the corporate kleptocrats have stomped on too many people and left too many people out of the system, and those people are now in rebellion.

...The White House itself has now been corporatized. It's not politicians working for the corporate interests. They are the corporate interests. That's where Bush came from, and Cheney and Rumsfeld. ...The corporation is a very narrow, autocratic, secretive, hierarchical organization that exists only to fatten the bottom line of the biggest investors, which include the top executives, of course. It has no other purpose.

...We are having the Democratic flag raised to various heights by most of these candidates [in election 2004]. Dennis Kucinich has it at full tilt, all the way up there flying high and proud. Howard Dean, on issues like health care, on the war, on gay and lesbian issues, is right in the President's face and proud to be a Democrat."

That's Hightower in a nutshell - hater of capitalism, radical, faux folksy, and so out of the mainstream that he holds up Dennis Kucinich and Howard Dean as the Democratic standard bearers. Here's to you, then, Jim: I'd like to present you with a folksy little thing of my own I call the Weekly Jackass award. Don't thank me, you earned it...

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